The extent of his paranoia is driving me CRAZY. About 70-80% of any phone conversation I have with him, the phone beeps. It's actually him unintentionally pushing a button on the keypad. I can relay the conversation that follows. Every. Single. Bloody. Time.
Dad - "What was that?"
Me - "That was you dad. You bumped the..."
Dad - "No. It was not me. I know where my fingers are. It was you." (If he *knows* it was me, then WHY did he ask me what it was?)
Me - "No dad. It was you. This only happens when I'm talking to you."
Dad - "This only happens when I'm talking to YOU. You need a new phone."
Me - "Sigh. Ok. Then buy me one. But what are you going to do when *it* beeps again? You gonna keep buying me new phones? Maybe it's your sausage fingers combined with your 1990 cordless. Ya think?"
Dad - "What was that? Did you here that? I think I can hear people talking..."
Me - "Sigh.. Dad? Turn your TV down."
Dad - "Oh."
Dad - "Wait! Can you hear that?"
Me - "Hear what? You having a major brain fart?"
Dad - "I didn't raise you to be such an asshole ya know. I'm serious. What's that noise?"
Me - *straining to hear the little voices that may or may not be speaking to my semi delusional father* "No dad. I hear nothing."
Dad - "You know, I heard that So and So was released from prison not to long ago. I'm pretty sure I'm on his hit list with a few others... I wonder if that c*cksucker (dad's oh so very favourite choice of nicknames)has tapped my phone. Jebuz H Christy. I'll empty a few rounds into that effer if he comes here, I'll tell you that!"
Me - "Dad! OK! Calm down. Fine. It was me. I bumped the friggin number 9 with my inherited sausage fingers. You're going to give yourself a freaking aneurysm or something."
Dad - "Nope. With today's technology it would be SO easy to tap into someones phone line. I wouldn't be surprised if we're being listened to right now. That beeep was probably the tapper thing being turned on."
Dad - "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!"
Me - "Dad! Move your hand you old fart. If it's not your hand then it's your chin or something. You know what? I'm gonna let you go. I have to, um, go do something. Ok?"
Dad - "Fine. But when I wake up dead cuz some c*cksucker knows I'm home because of this phone call, I'm gonna haunt you! Goodbye!"
Me - "..."
Me - "Dad? DAD!"
Dad - "Yeah?"
Me - "You didn't hang up. You hit a number key again."
Dad - "Aww for eff's sake! Gad dang c*cksucking mofo! Jebuz H. Christy..."