It's A Meme "I've Come To Realize"

Lana at Living It Loving It (don't you just love the name "Lana"? I know I do!!) did a meme from the Sunday Stealing site. She "came to realize that" I would be the person most likely to repost this. I can't let her down, now can I? Yes, I know it's Wednesday night (I guess Thursday now that it's past midnight) but who cares!!

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is perfect, despite the past deformities, current scars, and future potential saggyness in ONE of my schnoobs. (for quick background info on this, quickly read # 2 HERE. It'll take but a second and will help this make more sense)

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . .doesn't define me. If it did, I would be a dead end no brainer. There's so much more to me than my dead end job!! Yes, I used to define myself and compare myself to others and think they were better than me because they had careers. Silly me!

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I have ZERO patients for morons who don't use their signal lights. Come to think of it, I have no patience for that as a passenger either...

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . .to get better at letting go of grudges.

5. I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . .respect for professional hockey players and their fans, who still think fighting on the ice is "just a part of the sport." Bull Crap!! it just goes against EVERYTHING we are trying to teach our children who are involved in TEAM activities.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .I realize I'm gossiping. Not cool.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .I love you and you and that guy and that girl and her friend and everyone else sooo much!! (I think the last time I was drunk was about 6 years ago!!)

8. I’ve come to realize that money...is a figment of my imagination!

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .will always be there for me, and others will always make me want to smack them.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .grow as a person, no matter how old I get.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .will always be 7 years older than me. I loved how she was 30 long before me, and in a couple years I will get to razz her for being 40 long before me.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom. . .is my friend and I appreciate everything she does.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .is pretty useless if I never have minutes on it. (gotta love "pay as you go")

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .I had the same re-occurring dream the 3rd night in row - trying to figure out my locker combination in high school... from 13 years ago!!

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .that I hoped I wouldn't fall off the bed again. Or wake up with my feet on the pillow. I am 30 yrs old. This is not normal!!

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .I need to take some Tylenol. being at the computer this long is giving me a headache, along with straining my eyes. And we all know how well my eyes are. :$

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .and I are now more than father & daughter. He is my friend too, just like my mom and I.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .I am addicted to the "farm town" and "yoville" applications!

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . .is over (it's 12:42am) and I should get to bed. Although, it's not technically tomorrow until I wake up, right? so it's still today..

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .I drank a giant cup of coffee. Hence the reason for being up while it's actually "tomorrow" already...

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .isn't until I wake up. Didn't I already say this? Sheesh! pay attention, people!

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .keep my kids little forever. Really.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .My mom "Seeker" at TALK TALK TALK. You think I'M bad?! She hasn't posted since MAY!!

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . .goes on, and no matter WHAT is going on in your life, there IS a positive to ANY situation. It's just up to you to figure out if you want to find it or not.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . .will fall on a Saturday & Sunday. Go figure...

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .is anything with a good beat. Yup. I'm that easy.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .Love me for who I am.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is going by FAR too quickly.

29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .are exes for a reason.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .visit bloggy land more regularly, ya think?!

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . .going to the dentist. I've never had a fear. I don't know why I like it so much.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .people who take ZERO responsibility for their actions. When I say ZERO, I mean Z.E.R.O.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . .is what has shaped me to be me.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . .are over rated.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of something happening to my children.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . .may not be all fluff and rainbows, but it definitely isn't bad. As cliche as this is, I truly wouldn't change a thing. (except for the time in high school when I wrote a love letter to a guy who didn't know I existed. Yup. I would definitely change THAT!!)

Goodbye Grade 2!

It seems I have finally joined the rest of the mommies and daddies in bloggyland... Schools OUT!! Today was the last day of school for Braden and he has already asked me twice how long until grade 3. Are you KIDDING ME?? Enjoy it boy! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he likes school but I WILL be reminding him of this when and if he decides school is not a favorite past time.

I wonder how long it will take me to begin the countdown to September 8th, the first day back to school....


When did your kids get out, and when do they go back?


.

Next Time We'll Do Take Out

As I was cooking dinner, Mackenzie wandered in asking, "Is dinner ready yet?" I told her the same old response, "Not until I call you." She looked at me funny for a moment and said, "Dinner must be ready now. I'm pretty sure it really is ready right now."

I told her she must be very hungry since she was being so persistent and eager to eat. She responded with, "No. Not really. I thought dinner was ready because something really stinks in here."

"Meh" & Quick Updates

This is getting ridiculous. Over the past week I have opened up blogger, clicked on "New Post" and began a blog post about 6 times. Each time were completely different blog posts, but as I started typing them I literally fell out of my "groove" and said "Meh", highlighted everything and canceled the post.

So why is it that I am able to blog about not being able to blog??

I'm overwhelmed, that's why. A while back I had nothing at all to share with you fine folk, and now I have stories coming out me arse. Ok, not literally out me arse, but that sure would make for great blog fodder... ba-da CHING!!

Believe it or not, I am still around. I have been your blog ghosty. I've been reading all your blog posts through google reader, but haven't been very comment-y.

Here's just a couple brief updates (no, no medical updates yet):

* my car has pretty much bitten the big one. (surprise surprise)

* stranded at my mothers house for the past month. Although we love each other dearly and we really are great friends, we are both ready for me to be outta here!

* Getting GINORMOUS tax refund/back pay from uncle Sam... (is it "uncle sam" here in Canada too???)...and no, I cannot lend you $5.00.

* dad was able to front the $$ for me and I go and pick up my "new" MINI VAN tomorrow!! WOOT WOOT! DID YOU HEAR ME?? I SAID I'M GETTING A MINI VAN!! I was never against mini vans, but when I had custody of my nephews I drove a mini van for 7 months and fell in love. It's been almost exactly a year, and now I have my own.

* I get quite attached to my cars. I have owned 2 in the past 13 years. They both had 2 owners. Mom first, then me. Pearl and Mable. Now I get a MINI VAN to attach too. Mini van is a boy. Don't ask. I just know. I have a great judge of character... Woo.. off topic. anyhoo, van needs a name. I'll let you all know how that goes.

* My bf and I are shacking up at the end of August. WOOT! We already have a kid together, so we may as well do everything ass backwards. Well, not everything you PERVERTS. You're sick.

* My bf and I were together for 6 months, broke up for a month, back again for 6 months, broken up for almost 3 years and as Of July 1st we will have been together for a year. SOLID. I love him SOO much and feel blessed that I can see how BOTH of us have grown since we first met. It's wonderful.
Okay. mushyness over.

* It's 12:22am and I am hyper and tired. If you made it all the way through this post without gouging your eyes out with a spoon, congrats. You win all the lint in my pockets.

Give me a few more weeks and my illustrated not me monday's WILL be up and running again. I swear. I swear on all the lint in my pocket.

♥♥♥

Just Call Me Peter Parker

Still no word on what's going on with me. I personally called the neurologist who told me 2 years ago to call should there be any new "developments". I left a fairly detailed message and no response. Tomorrow I'm going to make yet another appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I'm not a hypocondriact and could go literally 2 or 3 years without seeing my doctor, so this is pretty big. My eye sight in my right eye isn't any better, but it's not worse either. But now on and off I have tingling sensation in my right hand and sometimes in my right foot. Sometimes it lasts for an hour, sometimes it lasts for 2 days at a time. It's the sensation you get right before you get full on "pins and needles" in your limbs when they "fall asleep". I think it's my spidey senses.
I noticed on Saturday that if I stand with my eyes closed I wobble like a drunkard, but I do not experience vertigo at all. Every once in a while (rarely though) I feel heavy headed. Not light headed like when you get dizzy, but.. well, heavy headed. I can't explain. It happens whether I'm sitting, standing or laying down. I think it's happened about 6 times in the last month and lasts anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes.

This is just all very weird and I hope to get some answers in the (NEAR) future. Hopefully.

Always Remember Your Lies

This past Easter, Braden confronted me. "Mommy," he stated, "I know that you are the Easter bunny". I feigned innocence. "WHAT?! I don't have long ears! And where's my big rabbit teeth. And I certainly do NOT have a fuzzy little tail! Besides, I hardly even like raw carrots..."

"Mommmmmyyyy" he whined.

"What?"

"I know there's no Easter bunny. It's okay. I won't tell Mackenzie."

"Oh. Uh, okay..."

I couldn't just leave it at that. I had to know where his beliefs stood on the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. About half an hour after the Easter bunny conversation, I casually asked how his wiggly tooth was doing. He told me it wasn't ready to come out yet, but it would be soon. We talked about how much we figured the tooth fairy would leave him and I was satisfied. He still Believed! Whew!

Fast forward to this past Tuesday - Braden lost a tooth. The tooth fairy forgot to come at night and Braden was disappointed to say the least. I was annoyed with myself and said "Braden, don't worry about it. If it's really a big deal, put it under your pillow again tonight and I'll leave you money this time for sure, okay?"

..... crickets ....

"What?" I asked him.

Braden looked at me with shock and horror. "YOU'RE the tooth fairy TOO??"

SHIT!!!! Oh my God. What have I DONE?!?! I forgot it was the Easter bunny he knew about. Not the tooth fairy!! My poor sweet 7 (almost 8!) yr old baby. I ruined him! My response? "Do NOT tell your sister OR any kids in your class. They need to find out on their own, alright?"

He stood there kind of stunned while absorbing the cold hard truths. Finally after what seemed to be an eternity, he said, "Cool! I like keeping those kind of secrets. these are fun 'good' secrets!"

I was about to agree with him when he piped up with, "Santa is real though, right mommy? Cause if he wasn't real Christmas just won't ever be the same."

So people? SANTA IS REAL, ALRIGHT?!?!

I just better not forget about that one!!

'Cause Bandaid's Stuck On You...

A - Meet and greet with sidewalk

B - Hello mister meat slicer

C - Monkeybars dropped him. Again

D - Tragic Bike riding incident.

At least we were all injured at the same time. It sucked trying to fight for attention though...

Imagine That

Conversation in the car this morning:

Mackenzie: My friend Oh-oh (imaginary friend) is dancing on your head Braden!

Braden: Oh yeah? Well MY friend just peed on your shirt.

M: NO!! Did not. He peed on YOUR shirt.

B: Really? Then I'm going to throw Oh-oh out the window. *throws arms around maniacally*

M: NOOoooooooo! (burst into tears) MOMMMMYYY!! Braden threw Oh-oh out the window!

ME: Mmmhmm. That's nice. er, Oh. Um...

B: Laughing like a maniac.

M: Crying.

B: He's back in the car now. Only his head is squished and his arm is broken.

M: UH-UH!! HE is a GIRL. HER arm is broken and HER head is squished

B: NO!

M: YES!

B: NO!!!!

M: YES!!!!!

ME: OKAY! ENOUGH! Stop it. Both of you. This is ridiculous. Fighting over imaginary friends? C'MON!!

B: Silence.

M: silence.

M: Mommy. It's only imaginary fighting.

B: Yeah mommy. It's ALL pretend.

ME: Slam head into steering wheel repeatedly. For "pretend".

**Edited to add - It's my one year blogaversary today and didn't even remember! I can't believe it's been a year already!!**

The Icing Always Sucks

I would like to say THANK YOU to all of you.

I turned my comments off of my last post because I feel funny hearing and reading "You're in my thoughts and prayers" and "I hope you'll be okay". I've always shrugged that stuff off. But look at you. Smarty pants. Breaking into my email to send me well wishes and prayers. I am deeply overwhelmed, and I needed to hear those things more than I thought. I Like getting "attention" because of funnies. Getting it other ways makes me feel weird, and I don't know why. But you guys knew better. Thank you.

As you can tell from my blog, I don't share a lot of personal issues. Be forewarned I might delve a little deeper in the future. I may not particularly be writing to you per se, but for myself. Sometimes seeing the "crap" in writing helps to sort out the old noggin.

So what's going on? 2 years ago when this all began with my left eye, I was whisked away to ophthalmologist, had numerous field of vision tests, a CT scan (to rule out brain tumor and MS), a visit to a neurologist, a neuro ophthalmologist, a lumbar puncture and put on a nasty medication.

They discovered I had fluid on the brain which caused my optic nerve to swell so much that it bled. Where it bled is where there was nerve damage, hence the vision loss. The medication I was on was to lower excess fluid. It knocked me on my ass. I was nauseas and sooo sleepy.

They want me back on the medication but I need a babysitter... for ME!! screw vallium. I'm on dioxin!! (not yet, but will be soon.)

I am on a "waiting list to see the neurologist. either tomorrow or Wednesday I will be calling the brain dude myself.

I know "what's" happening, but I need to find out why. And why is it affecting my other eye? And, why would I randomly create too much fluid on my brain?? All the doctors and eye guys keep asking if I have had any head trauma. Nope. Well, unless you count it when I bash my head into the wall after being ignored by my kids...(<--Note weak attempt at humor :P)

So, that's issue #1.

Issue number 2? HA! I have fibroids in my uterus. BIG fibroids. I had a lovely "woman's exam" the other day. As my Dr felt my gut, he "congratulated" me. 4 moths ago my uterus was sticking above the pubic bone the equivalent of a woman who was 14 weeks pregnant. but last week? 16 weeks baby! Can you BELIEVE THAT?? So, off to another specialist in August. My Dr asked if I wanted more kids, and before I could answer, he said if I got pregnant the baby would be Born wayyyy premature, as there is just no room at the "Inn".

I knew I had uterine fibroids, but didn't know how big they were getting. Explains the constant peeing. Seriously. So, the bright side is when my uterus is removed, I'll lose 5-7 pounds. He may be a doctor and know a lot, but I'll push my luck and hope for a 20 pounder.

So all that junk above and I was "okay". throw in everyday life stresses, and I'm still "okay. But have my car breakdown on top of all of THIS? That's the icing on the cake. The last straw. The.. you get the idea. I cried like a baby. Oh no. My car is screwed up WHAAAAA!!!! Obviously I wasn't crying about the car. I was crying about everything. And scared my kids to death. Mackenzie kept telling me "It's okay sweatheart. Take a deep breath hunny. The car will be Ok. It's ok sweety."

AWWW!!!!

Braden in his infinite 7 year old wisdom told me, "crying about it isn't going to make it better mommmy. just get out, kick the car and show it who's boss."

I must have looked like a hysterical manic bawling like a baby and laughing my arse off at the same time. Ooooh... wait! THAT explains the hyenas circling the car that day! I wonder if they thought was prey struggling for life or if I was doing a mating call ...

I love you my supportive bloggy friends!!

Nice to "see" you.

Wow. I didn't mean to go this long without blogging. I just looked t my google reader and saw 679 posts that I haven't read. YOWZA! So, i have to mark them all as read and just start over from here on, otherwise I will never catch up. I'm surprised how much I've missed you guys!

I try to look at the funny side of things. Right now I am so stressed and my sense of humor is on vacation. And I need to vent. Remember a while back I said I was partially blind in my left eye? It was caused by excessive fluid on my brain, causing pressure on my optic nerve, which caused permanent sight loss. It wasn't a "huge" deal, as it seemed to correct itself, the pressure and fluid is gone, and i could see just "fine".

Not anymore. (God, my stomach just dropped and I feel sick typing this) I am almost 70% blind in my right eye now. Plus the vision loss in my left eye. The doctors don't know what's wrong or what is causing this. I am so scared. Im 30 years old for fucks sake. I can't go blind. I NEED A REASON for this. Not that it would make it ok, but I need a fucking explanation. Something. anything.

I feel ripped off. I feel let down by God. When this first happened with my left eye, I PRAYED that it wouldn't get any worse. Silly me. It didn't get worse. My left eye is exactly how it was when I prayed. I guess i should have prayed specifically that my OTHER eye wouldn't be affected. I can't go blind. I have children I would like to see grow up. I have a spider plant my son gave me 2 years ago that I would like to see grow more. I need to drive. Driving is my independence. I need to see my daughter et married. I need to see the view on a hike I take with my family. I need to see if there is spaghetti on Braden's face before he goes to the park after dinner. I need to see damn it.

I am really. Truly. Scared.