Thursday, July 17, 2008

Does this cover it? (July 17 2008)

We all judge others. Some more blatantly than others, but we all do it. It's human nature. I can handle it, because I do it. For example, if I see a person with a green mohawk, tattered clothes and multiple facial piercings. Or a homeless person. Or an extremely fat person. I mean really fat. We ALL do it. What I can NOT handle is those who judge me without knowing me, to my face, or worse, not to my face, but loud enough for me to hear. Grow some balls if you think I'm worthy to hear your guffaws.

To the pristine, polished woman at wal-mart.
Yes. I heard you snickering about my stained shirt, greasy stringy hair, and messy faced kids. Guess what? I had 2 hours of broken sleep, interrupted by stomach cramps and raging diarrhea. I probably smelled like death too. Do you think I wanted to go out? Hell no. Sorry to disgust you in such an unruly fashion. But that messy faced 2 and a half year old isn't potty trained, and we kinda sorta needed some pull ups. Or would you rather me sit at home and clean her crap off the floor? Yes, I realise, that your children were probably potty trained 100% by the 18 month mark. How very noble of you. I hope your nanny didn't get fired for not having it done by 16 months.
I also heard you tell your "friend", "Gasp! She's not even married!" Hmmm. Is this your presumption because I have no wedding ring? Wow. Nothing gets past you, does it. I guess I'm a big ole statistic. I had the urge to lean over my cart and whisper "Yeah! They's not even from da same Daddy! Hiyuck Hiyuck." But I decided against it. The way you were holding your chest, I didn't want to be responsible for your impending heart attack.

To the old geezer in the walmart parking lot.
How very kind of you to be so concerned for the health and safety of my children, as I had them buckled in their seats in the car, while they waited for me to finish my cigarette...standing in the parking lot next to the car. No, sir. I didn't realize I was setting a bad example for my kids. What's that? Smoking is bad for me? Holy hell in a hand bag, I'll quit right this minute! What's that you say? I should stand where they can't see me? Why? So someone like you can call the police and say some crazy, dirty smoking woman has abandoned her kids while she shopped? Eff off, eh. When the time comes for me to be a giant hypocrite and tell my kids why they shouldn't smoke, I'll deal with that. Or, if you feel better, give me your number and I'll have them call you, OK?

To the little 15 yr old at the gas station.
Why yes! I AM wearing a green tank top, blue jeans and sneakers. Thank you for noticing! Do you like? Oh. you don't? My sincerest apologise. perhaps I should be wearing FUR TRIMMED BOOTS in 31 degree weather like you. Nothing goes better with fur trimmed boots in the dead of summer than your pink PLASTIC mini skirt, yellow tank top layered with your white tank top which is layered with your blue tank top. But what's with the FUR TRIMMED COAT that only comes below your boobs? (assuming you have any.) Did you borrow that from your little sister? niiice. Honey, I may have been wearing "obvious mom clothes" like you said with a sneer, but I would NEVER try to look like rainbow bright on acid. Rainbow bright is SO 80's.

To the punk ass kids driving past my house yelling "fat B*tch" to me while unloading groceries.
All I can say to you is I hope and pray I meet up with you in 10 to 15 years. Why? Because chances are you, your girlfriend, wife, or sister will packing on some extra weight (I SO hope it's you or your wife) and you have the same thing yelled at you. Then you'll have a flash back to yesterday and feel oh so stupid.

Let's see if I can help you judge me.

- I occasionally spank my children. If it ever becomes outlawed where I live, I'll STILL occasionally spank my children if the "crime" is severe enough.
- I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for me. I do not, however, go to church. I MUST be a heathen.
- I have gone 3 or 4 days without serving a single vegetable to my kids.
- Sometimes I speed. Instead of going 50km/h I go 55km or even 60km!!
- Quite often I let the nail polish on my toes get all chipped and wear open toed sandals anyways!

I think that should do for now. I wouldn't want you to think too badly of me you know. Why am I not defending myself? Why am I not listing all the positives and what I've done with my life? Because I JUDGE you and deem you unworthy of knowing ME.

Now go suck an egg.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Ode to HER van. *sniff sniff* (July 4, 2008)

Back from vacation. Too damn short if you ask me, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

The boys go back with their mom at the end of July. Because she's going on holidays, I'll only have the youngest with me for the last 2 weeks.

So today was the last day driving the van.

The. Van. Sigh. How strange. I vowed I would NEVER drive a minivan. Yet I did. For 6 months. Today we switched vehicles back again. I never thought I'd say this, but I hate my car. It's not "mine" anymore. It doesn't smell the same. She put one of plastic air wick scent things in the air vent. Vanilla of all choices. It sits there mocking me. Staring at me, daring me to remove it. Out of spite I leave it there. I blast the A/C hoping to hurry it's demise, hoping it shrivels and the smell dissipates. not even close. The harder the air blows, it's cheery little scent grows stronger.
Did the car smell before she got it?
Did she cause some sort of odour that she's trying to cover? My car won't tell me. I think it likes the air freshener.

I miss the van. It had so much more floor space to fill with garbage, damp kid clothes, and toys. Toys that were too broken to go back into the house, yet not broken enough to throw away.
Driving the van I actually felt important. I fantasized about being one of those women... you know. a milf. yes. I said it. I drove that van with confidence! nothing more "happenin" than a woman pushing 30, driving a minivan while blasting "bed of roses" by Bon Jovi, chalked full of kids.

It's not the same anymore. I got in the car tonight, slipped my ipod tape converter into the tape deck, switched on my song of choice and almost cried. No longer do I have an extra 4 feet or so of "surround sound". The music just plays in the front and back. No music coming from the middle. A bonus though. When I open the trunk with the music still on, I can hear the music perfectly. Who the hell puts speakers in the trunk?? All potential "milfness" gone. Even if it was all just in my head.

Clearly I am not ready for my vacation to be over.